How To Not Get Hired

So, you're being required to look for a job, but you really don't want one? You looking for a good way to make damn sure no one hires you? Here are some helpful hints:

1. Smell Funny.
Seriously! Nothing will drive away potential bosses faster than you coming in smelling like you've been snuggling with pissed off skunks in a pile of pig manure while burning patchouli.

2. Be Uninformed.
You're looking for a job as a daycare teacher, so of course you're going to come to a by-the-hour private pay tutoring center! Good job!

3. Dress Badly.
Please, come in to meet the people you don't want to hire you in booty shorts, a dirty tank top, and sporting plenty of facial jewelry. Bonus points on the booty shorts if you're male and...excited. That will definitely send off those "don't hire me, I'm a pedophile" vibes you want.

4. Slang It Up.
If your goal is to avoid getting a job teaching children to read and write English, make sure to drop all of your definite articles, use lots of bad language, and talk like you've got oatmeal in your mouth!

5. Ignore the Needs of the Boss.
So, the boss tells you that she'd love to talk to you, but she only has five minutes right now? No problem! Take a nice deep breath and go for that ten-minute soliloquy. It works like a charm. Make sure you avoid eye contact, talk over the Boss when she tries to interrupt you, and remember that nervous body language is what you really want.

6. Encroach on Personal Space.
Nothing says "Do Not Hire" quite like sidling up to someone who is doing everything up to screaming "STRANGER DANGER!" Those steps backwards and crossed arms really mean "break through my walls, it's sexy!"

7. Insult the Boss.
When everything else fails, make sure that you say rude things to the person who might be inclined to hire you. Make sure she knows that YOU are the world's authority on every subject and that you will not bow to lesser intellects.


That's a good start, I think. Just remember, these seven simple steps can keep you safely out of the workforce and collecting unemployment benefits, where you know you want to be.